"Lamberto, the ther Bava, makes his Giallo mark."
*This review is a re-post of one we did back in 2008.
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| "NO MOTHER, I DON'T RESENT YOU AT ALL." |
Break this movie down? Riiiight. Like anyone on the planet can just "tell you" what an Italian Horror flick from the late 70's/early 80's is actually about? Well guess what? They can't! Why do men from Tennessee often circumcise themselves by rubbing their peckers against rusty barbed wire fences? Can you tell me that? Oh, but that's different, right? You're all sheep.
Anywho... Our little Giallo story begins with three kids throwing a ball down a creepy staircase into a dark cellar; one of them is transgendered, and the other two nearly gay bash the poor kid to death. The kid runs for his life into the basement, only to be gay bashed to death for real this time, by the creepy killer in the cellar. At least Mr. Murder gives the other two their ball back.
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| LIVE YOUR LIFE, FABRIZIO. WE WON'T JUDGE YOU. |
We next meet Bruno, the slow-witted composer who just moved into a posh countryside villa to finish work on his latest movie score. He soon begins to hear noises around the house and decides to investigate; unfortunately for him, he is hindered by some "slow motion" disease that he got from a hooker in Barcelona. A few hours later, he finally makes it out of the room, and (slowly) heads downstairs to the biggest basement ever made. He saves a girl, Katia, from a Scroach (that's a spider-roach hybrid, for those of you who haven't been to Europe), and then she asks him for a cigarette.
Not bothering to ask her what the hell she was doing in his basement, he eventually forgets that she's there, and begins composing his new masterpiece. For the record, his big accomplishment in this movie is finishing the first line in one song during his entire stay; he plays the same 10 notes over, and over, and over again, which I'm guessing is what drove the killer in this movie to go insane and start offing people. Katia pays for his lack of any sort of enthusiasm or sense of urgency, with her life.
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| IS THERE A SIGN ON THE DOOR THAT SAYS 'PLEASE RANDOMLY COME IN' ?" |
Within ten minutes of all of this happening, another chick randomly pops up in the house, and this time Bruno actually gets laid. The next morning, he kicks her out because he is very busy working on the opening line of his song, but is dismayed to find yet another young, sex-starved girl show up randomly, only this time in the yard, not in the house. He lets her swim and shower, and then she too is killed. What exactly goes on in Italy?
With all of the disappearances, some odd phone calls, a slashed nudie picture, and finding the Master Tape of his half-assed song destroyed, he begins to wonder if something strange is going on. Again, he's slow. Far be it from me to spoil what happens for you here, but suffice it to say that more people die, and Bruno never even finishes one half of that frigging song.
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| FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, BRUNO, CAN YOU PLAY MORE THAN 10 NOTES?!? |
Lamberto Bava is the man. Like his father before him (we love you Mario Bava!), the guy knows how to craft himself one effective Giallo; A Blade in the Dark is tense, atmospheric, bloody, creepy, confusing and poorly dubbed... in short, it's a blood-soaked treat for us all. I can see how some people would look at a movie like this and instantly see a cheesy, dated mess, because that's pretty much what it is, but then those are the type of Horror fans who pay to see remakes of The Hitcher and Shutter, and actually enjoy watching them. *Yes, I'm an elitist prick. You should join me, because it's really nice up here on my "I'm always right" cloud.
There's so much craziness at work in a movie like this, that it satisfies on many different levels, despite its shortcomings. Italian Horror movies of old are all about atmosphere, excessive violence, sleaze, and tension... which are all things that they tend to pull off very well. Unfortunately, the price we pay for enjoying those great aspects, is that these movies usually severely lack in the way of coherence and sense. It's worth every minute though. Honestly.
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| DON'T RUN OR ANYTHING... |
Can you please tell me just how stupid a guy has to be to find a bunch of random chicks roaming around his house, and say nothing more than "Hey, how are you!" to them? That's not being very safety-minded. Not at all. Also, let me make one thing crystal clear here: If ever I find three hot, clueless bimbos sneaking around my house, they're all getting the "Old Hucklebuck." Period. That's the price you pay for invading my sanctum, ladies.
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| SHE KNOWS WHAT THE OLD HUCKLEBUCK IS. SHE KNOWS. |
Cross dressing children... when will it end?
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| WELL, I SUPPOSE IT ENDS WITH CROSS-DRESSING ADULTS? |
Plenty o' gore to be had here, mostly in the form of multiple slashings and stabbings. Stay classy Italy, we love you!
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| SHE HAD IT COMING. |
A pair of late 70's style A-Cup boobies... and that's it.
"It's not a spider, it's a cockroach!" aka Scroach.
Scroaches do exist. Also, if you rent a villa in Europe, random slutty chicks will just show up and hang out with you.
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| SHE'LL NEVER TRESPASS AGAIN. |
For its time and for what it was, A Blade in the Dark is a solid flick. You just can't beat a good old fashioned Giallo flick for entertainment value. I'd recommend renting it before buying though, as it may not be everyone's cup of tea.
B
A Blade in the Dark is available now on DVD and VOD.
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The ever-lovely Lara Naszinsky is in this.
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